Jim, Kim, Royce and My Trip
Down Anxiety Lane
When this blog for Southeastern Church’s leaders began, the original
vision as I understood it was for us to share what was going on in our lives
spiritually. God must have known that
this week was my turn to write because three people unwittingly and
unintentionally conspired to call my attention to something in my walk with God
that needed immediate remediation.
Tuesday morning of this week, Royce McDougall came into my office and
told me that he was ready to cast his lot with Christ and be baptized. Absolutely wonderful news! So many people had been praying and working
toward that moment for so long. Not the
least was Donna, of course, but also, especially, Keith Stillinger. Later that day, the time was set for 6:30 for
family and friends to gather to share in this moment of great joy.
At 6:00, I went up
front to open up a door or two and to make a final check of the
baptistery. That’s when I saw Kim and
Morganne West in the auditorium setting up for a training session Kim was to
lead for 40-50 people. In the
auditorium. At 6:30. In the auditorium (because she needed
audio-visual capabilities for the training presentation). In the auditorium (which is the only place
from which a family-and-friends sized group can witness a baptism). In the auditorium at 6:30 (the same time the
family-and-friends group was to be in the same place for a long-awaited baptism).
I just about froze
up as thoughts started racing through my mind—I can’t believe this is
happening! Did I mess this up? What am I going to do? I’m not going to ask Royce to wait; this needs
to be such a special moment. If Kim’s
reserved the space, I sure can’t kick her out, which would make a really good
impression on the folks from outside our church family she would be working
with (“Yeah, Kim’s preacher kicked us out…”). I really was trying to think fast but my
thoughts were coming in almost random, disassociated spurts. I finally hacked my way through the fog just enough
to realize that if I could find an alternative spot for Kim’s event… (We have
no readily-available alternative spot for a baptism on site. At least I remembered that.)
To move her event
though, I’d have to find a room in which she could present the video portion of
her training. That, it turns out, is why
God invented laptops. If I can just get mine
to work with one of the screens we have in various rooms… But now, I’m even
more nervous because to call me technologically challenged would be a huge
understatement. I took my laptop and
tried to set it up with the big screen TV in the Friendship Room. No go. (By
this time, Jim Brantly has come in early for the baptism and is following me
around in my frantic movements trying to break through my fog to offer his help.)
Next, I think maybe
I can hook up the laptop to the TV in Room 503.
So, I hurry to 503. Success! Yes,
it works! It’s at about that moment that
Jim looks at me and says, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so flustered.”
Ouch. I try never to appear flustered in
public—it’s just part of my persona (though the sweat running down my back told
me I was, in fact, very flustered). Clearly, although I was trying to manage it,
my anxiety was oozing out of me. Maybe
pouring out; maybe that wasn’t sweat. (Though
it will come as a surprise to my family, I really do try to avoid getting flustered;
I really do try to be a consistent “non-anxious
presence.”)
As I head out of 503
to tell Kim the “good news” that I’ve found a place I’d like her to move to, I
find her already in the process of moving
her stuff and her people and ready to head wherever she needs to head and generally
being incredibly calm and gracious about the whole thing.
And finally, my
brain still spinning far too fast, there was the wonderful event of Royce’s
baptism, featuring his confession of faith before his wonderful and gracious
family and friends and Keith’s wonderful prayer. A truly exciting moment and one that I will
always feel privileged to have been a small part of. One of
those moments in life that really matters.
When it was all over, I realized that I would need to wait until Kim’s
training was finished to retrieve the laptop. No problem, plenty of things to do.
But that also gave
me time to process my anxiety. Jim’s
comment (born of concern) and Kim’s calm graciousness (in contrast to my
flustered state) and Royce’s momentous decision for faith had all worked
together to get my attention and refocus me on something deeper. Why had
I gotten so flustered over what had happened, so flustered and overwrought at
such an incredibly special, God-infused, joy-creating moment?
The answer actually
was obvious.
Things have been
pretty busy lately and even though I know better, what I was allowing to be pressed
out of my days was the very set of practices that could keep me centered and
calm and rightly focused in God’s presence. When I actually do them.
I think through
things prayerfully when I walk, particularly when I walk outside.
Not time lately for
too many walks, particularly the last week or so.
I try to use
centering prayer, just being silent before God, at least once a day.
No time for that for
a while.
I try to keep my
devotional and “preparation” Bible reading separate.
Too many preps to
have time for devotional reading lately.
Whatever the excuses or reasons I might offer, Jim’s comment, Kim’s
graciousness, and Royce’s act of faith and courage somehow came together
Tuesday night to slap me upside the head and grab my attention: Greg, you can’t be a spiritually-minded
person if you are not intentionally, consistently training your mind in that
direction. Greg, you’ve begun to coast spiritually
and you’re paying a price. You’re
anxious because you’re relying on your own strength. This will not work.
I know the texts. I teach the texts. Set your
minds on things above… (Colossians 3.2a). Be
transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the
will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12.2). Even one I
was going to use in my Wednesday night class: Train yourself in godliness… (1 Timothy 4.7b). But was I
listening? Was I applying it to me?
So, Wednesday
morning, I read devotionally and had a prayerful walk. It was a great and refreshing time. But there’s still work to do—I was sorely tempted
the rest of the day to wish for that time back as deadlines real and imagined
loomed.
Well, there’s my confession. I
don’t want my spiritual life to be of the cut flower persuasion: a cut flower will
fade over time, sometimes slowly, sometimes pretty quickly, but the fade is
inevitable. And my fade was in full view
Tuesday evening. Instead, I want to be attached to God. I need his strength for my life, in my life. I want to send roots deep into his Word and to
seek his presence by the Spirit and to emulate the mind of Christ. It will take intentional action to stay
attached, to continue to be open to transformation. Feel free to hold me to that, as Jim and Kim
and Royce perhaps unknowingly did Tuesday night.